so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
naighbors jacking off again. i swear its his friday night ritual, its like he knows the night wont be ending in his favor
I cannot stress to you how much better your current situation is than listening to gay sex
Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
Just beat my spinning in office chair record. Almost puked. Totally worth it.
I need you to come over. Im crying, day drinking and working out simultaneously.
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
And apparently midway I said "hurry up and finish so we can talk about what a bad idea this was"
I'd recommend you leave that level of crazy to the experts. I'd start with an under appreciated soccer mom if I were you.
And I just realized we will be at a strip club when the end of the world is supposed to happen. This is destiny
Please warn me if you ever end up in porn, cause I don't want to stumble across that on accident, okay?
I can wear a rubber suit at three am and spank someone's ass until its sore and fuck them three ways from Sunday. And get up the next day and do their laundry. As long as once in awhile they rub my back without expecting anything
I feel like I should be having more sex dreams of my boyfriend than his sister..
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
Dude there's ten thousand dollars worth of damage to the kids house and three thousand in stolen property and his dog is missing he is pissed
If I give him back his dog do you think he'll invite me to the next party
Randomize
