my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
and when he finished he started shouting "swim boys SWIM"
Did you know even strippers have to have GED's these days??
At least you weren't that one girl in the bar that was letting everyone draw on her in sharpie. Worst decision I've ever witnessed.
Im positive, your name was on my abdomen, Im pretty sure thats solid evidence
Dude. Her vagina is a blender.
Yeah, but he has adorable dimples and dimples talk me into things.
Apparently when it was last call I jumped up on the bar and told everyone to get the fuck out, which was immediately followed by a round of applause from the bouncers/bartenders and my tab getting paid as well.
5 hours of volunteer work playing with puppies and banned from the frat I hate most as 'punishment'... Besides the ER trip, I'm not seeing the bad in this situation
I'm smoking in a kimono on the couch. Bring me gin.
Just walked by a girl saying to her friend "honestly you coulda given me any dude and I woulda fucked him"
You should've introduced yourself
And as the acid sets in, he looks back at the shallow form he used to call his and whispers "3 pee pees strong"
sorry for running off in the middle of that heart to heart. free food.
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
It's so obvious he's evil. I mean, would a non-evil person have facial hair like that?
Randomize
