Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
She said she couldnt do it today but shed make it up to me next week
stick it in her butt and if she asks, say that thats what you thought she meant
Sorry I wasn't really responding earlier. I was really fucking high and so into that car chase.
Hey Operation Dumbo Drop... FYI, when you select your date this evening, our doorway is 3'x7'
Just threw up off a chairlift. my life is now complete.
I seriously think I have a tan line on my stomach from getting a boner while in the taning bed.
I was informed last night that im not allowed to pick up the bouncers and carry them around anymore. Last sat is starting to make more sense
I'd like to introduce you to my friend, Moderation. Enjoy each other's company this weekend.
Your friend and I already don't get along
So I'm drinking wine and watching Thumbelina
I'm teaching my cat to play fetch
Yep, it's a friday
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
This old guy just saw me toking on my bubbler before I go to the dentist. He gave me the nod.
Well pretty sure I lost 3 of my best friends in one week. Remember when I said I wasn't sure if I was gonna be a better person or a more despicable one in 2012. Despicable wins.
I don't think I will ever be as happy about anything as this man next to me on the bus eating Taco Bell.
He drinks vodka like healthy people drink water and I wanted to have his adopted gay babies. That's all. I'm going to go find him and potentially propose.
No. You're getting a Viking funeral and I'm pawning your shit.
Randomize
