Hey, go out with us like you promised. You're younger than us and should be able to handle your coke problem with grace.
We walked past a group of guys in front of a bar last night and they claimed, I quote: Wow, we'd actually have to work for that.
I wish they made sweatshirts for legs
you mean pants?
I have glitter on my penis. Do you know anything about this?
I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
We waited til after. Not even drunk sex felt right during a Disney movie.
Taking shot for every red box on your worst bracket. I have 30. I might die tonight.
Say something like you want him to fuck you behind a McDonald's. Guys secretly love weird shit like that.
It's okay though. My mom didn't believe that they were mine cuz they were magnums. Having a surprisingly large penis ftw
I thought i lost my bra, but when i went back to help clean it was hanging up on the wall
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
That is was cool to fuck the single mother accross the street until every girl i bring home gets the car keyed.
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
I need a hoe opinion
go on
Sometimes i wish my vagina automatically turned itself off when i'm legally drunk.
Randomize
