my mkouth tastes houw teh zoo smelllls
Hungover. Be in at noonish. Turn my monitor on and put a hot cup of coffee on my desk so the boss thinks I'm in
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
my mom just asked if she should wash your furry handcuffs with the lights or darks
4pm update. Theres smashed cake inside my duffel bag, a vodka bottle in the dish drainer, and the most productive thing ive done is make 40 pigs in a blanket
Better than last year. I didn't wake up to an after thanksgiving human shit on my living room floor. I think it's a sign I'm growing up at almost 30.
This is the weirdest negotiation ever.
This is what happens when two people with zero shame try to argue.
So the bartender from Applebees totally looks like he would take his clothes off for $40
I like how you possess the gift that turns normal guys into strippers
That's what you get for dating construction workers you meet in tunnels.
she put on her moms wedding dress and is chugging purple jolly rancher vodka, happy cyber monday
Do you have any idea how hard it is to iphone keyboard type "roflcopter" when intoxicated?
I was dancing with a blow torch in one hand and a bowl of weed in the other
I don't think I'm ever gonna need a boyfriend again. I have a body pillow, a vibrator, and I'm strong enough to open my own jars.
If he gets me coffee, cold or no I'll make him see Jesus with my mouth.
No, you are in the clear. The police officer finally just said "I give up" and walked away.
Randomize
