before smithy murders me i need you to know 3 things. 1) i got with smithy's little sister last night. 2) i will always love you like my own brother. 3) smithy's little sis digs anal.
I think I found my soulmate. This guy in front of me is yelling about getting laid while holding two beers and texting. I think this is love.
hahaha! you have a girlfriend
tell that to the new girl at work who i screwed on the washing machine today...
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
from the looks of the bare footprints in the snow it looks like i was dancing in circles which explains the frozen puke
is it sad that i can honestly say it was the best birthday sex i've ever had and it was still terrible?
Listen to my proposal.... I feed you crackers while I fuck you ever so gently.
i'm exhausted. do you know how hard it is to put together an outfit that is professional enough to secure a babysitting job yet slutty enough to let him know i'm down for sex during naptime?
tried to out drink an american air force weapons loader. never again
You called me to pick you up from the bar at 9:00. When we drove over the speed bumps you put your hands in the air and pretended you were on a roller coaster.
So they found him after the wedding still dressed up in his feather boa and top hat passed out in a bush...
It's important to establish I slept with her BEFORE we officially became cousins-in-law.
My cast smells like cheese steak rolls
he force fed me pizza, ripped my clothes off, almost broke the couch, and actually broke my nose. it was a good night, i'd say 😂
i am no longer ashamed when i walk into the dining hall for sunday brunch and i'm greeted with applause for suriving my weekend
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