Was that not clear on Friday when I nearly deapthroated two ice cubes?
Yeah dude I should be out of the ER in about an hr. They gave me vallium. Go tell the captain its time to set sail.
How do I tell a friend I drunkenly broke into his house and may have lost his dog
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
Well, when he's back from China he's probably gonna be pissed I used the spare key he gave me to prove to everyone I'm fucking an NBA player. We took all his booze too.
I just passed a kid trying to leave on a lawn mower
Figured out why that fly won't leave. It keeps buzzing through my weed smoke
Fly high, Fly.
If it was any colder outside, the frost from my breath would make a mixed drink
How many nights in 2015 can we have no one get injured, run away crying, or get into a brawl?
honestly my period and I are just as surprised to see each other every month
I just went on etsy and my personalized suggestions on the page were either kinky sex restraints or baby things. I feel like etsy just summarized my life.
And for today's main disappontment. I thought I saw a midget with fireworks get on the buss, alas it's a child with cleaning supplies
Day one of being single and I've came three times. I can get used to this.
Good rule of thumb: only list personal references with whom you have hallucinated
I can handle him. I'm made of spite and hot wings.
Randomize
