you guys were way drunker than both of me
My husband just tried to seduce me by saying we can do it doggystyle so you can watch tv
Rosebud was a fucking sled. Gay.
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
im eating kix cereal and taking shots by myself. please come hang out with me. im desperate
please come over and have sex with me so we can talk about prom and kill 2 birds with one condom
Nah nah nah the rules are different on st patty day, drink beer or die. It's like the hunger games but blurrier
He took the Gold in Olympic clit licking last night. Canada should be proud.
Mixing coffee with vodka may have been a bad choice, I feel like I'm pregnant and the baby is trying to perform a c-section from the inside.
I would fuck him just for his dog
I was fingering her and they busted into my room demanding to know who the best running back was, before I could say anything she moaned and said "Barry Sanders"
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
If you wanna fuck the pudding, fuck the pudding. Just not the chocolate, Im gonna eat that.
You really need to stop getting injured so often it's really starting to negatively impact my sex life. Oh and get well soon. . . no seriously though hurry the fuck up.
I hate waking up to a room that reeks of bad decisions...
Randomize
