I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
So can we just skip dinner and I'll just pay you for a blowjob?
Don't tempt me, I need beer money.
I cant watch the real world now after jersey shore. its like trying to go back to vagina once uve had anal
Is it too early to say this year has been a blur?
don't say the first was when I crawled under into the dressing room
Can you explain the plethora of sunflower seeds in the dryer?
I can officially say I had a blunt rolled on my ass
i spilled a box of white cheddar cheezits on the bathroom floor about 2 days ago. when i went back to the house he yelled at me from the bathroom: "THANKS FOR THE CHEEZITS, I'll ALWAYS HAVE A SNACK FOR WHEN IM SHITTING NOW!"
His arresting officer when they were busting up the squat party recognized him from the anti-drone protest. He was like Jesus kid, you were sober last time.
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
WHAT IF I SAT OUTSIDE AND STARTED SCREAMING THE LYRICS TO O CANADA WOULD THAT FIX IT
PLEASE DON'T
Of all the kinds of relationships I've had in my life, I'd have to say, lab-partner-with-benefits takes the fuckin cake
Sarah just give sum homeless dude a lap dance, took like 2$ worth of change from his cup and was all like, "Biiitch, this aint free"..
He called my IUD an IED, and said that’s why I had bomb pussy.... I didn’t correct him
Randomize
