I dont know why people are racist. Both the mexicans and the irish gave us holidays where everyone drinks on a wednesday.
I feel as if I owe my bloodstream some tequila.
Just pulled an upper-decker at a hardware store. I believe I'm winning 8-2. It's obvious you don't shit enough in public.
i'm duct taped to my bed with a condom in my hand. something went wrong
I'll have to explain it to you tonight when i call drunk. It will sound better
At the bar. Madeline and I totally brought our own pitcher from home because they always run out. Hello alcoholism.
3pm strippers are depressing
If the world would stop letting me feel invincible I would probably stop doing this shit.
So we just accidentally broke into a building from the third floor while carrying shovels. The security guards are still very confused
You went to a drug deal in a onesie.
Id prob hit it, but i instagram edited her picture to make her look better. Ha. She should fuck me just for that.
On a happier note, I can fit in my old shorts. Dope does have its perks
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
So here I am, sexting at work.
Its pretty bad when you can tell twins apart by the size of their penises...
Randomize
