So I just went home and made my own spanx by cutting the legs off of a pair of nylons. I'm either a genius or missed my calling to live in a trailer park.
What can I expect? While all of my friends are getting married, all of his friends are tripping on robitussin
There was something that i liked about you, but you spent it
I now officially know the distance between my two boobs is one twizzler.
Only at my house do scrabble games turn into fist fights. I won though... the fight not the board game.
I just creeped all your pictures on Facebook -- it was like I watched you grow up right before my eyes.
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
I replied to the university automated mass text about the armed robbery at the on-campus Starbucks with a sad face. Basically sums up my night.
he legitimately fell asleep standing up at the club. everyone was impressed
Security said no more parties of this kind. To me that translates to Theme party this weekend.
I don't care how high you are, you can't finger me while eating potato chips.
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
I have a fantastic sense of humor but being called a merman isn't funny
There are horrible decisions in life and then there are tequila flavored moonshine decisions
I use my feet as sexual weapons
Randomize
