Update: Discussing lingerie with my father. He likes sheer black things. Not into the colorful stuff I wear.
Things to remember: Girls don't appreciate it when you yell "Beast Mode!" when switching to doggy style.
Just watched Hilary Duff have a three-some on Gossip Girl...all I could imagine was that LIzzie Maguire cartoon girl freaking out above their heads
We're the kind of people who ruin family vacations
You nicknamed her "lazy eye" and were screaming across the bar at her to buy you a drink...
Taking my tights off outside the club to give them to the homeless man was my contribution to humanity. The fact that it was snowing just made me feel like superman.
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
ITS A JAGER BOTTLE. NOTHING CAN BE BAD IF ITS JAGER RELATED.
Yea I saw a friend of yours carrying your limp body somewhere
I went eBay shopping last night. Turns out I brought a Viking drinking horn. I can't even be mad.
Dude. There are selfies on my phone of me, wide-eyed, sucking my pillow. We did NOT split that bag 50/50.
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
I needed tweezers to get my thong out of my ass this morning.
Starting to realize that fucking everyone I come across isn't the most... "adult"... coping method.
drunk boyfriend and drunk me are NOT meant for each other
Randomize
