Oh My! A car just drove by me a splashed me with a wave of water. I am drenched and soaking wet!
I am sorry--all I heard is that you are wet.
i an so hammered right now. I'm about to pass out but i just found the lion king dvd and i'm so happy words don't even describe.
I'm gonna name my first kid mufasa regardless if It's a boy or girl
I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
I accidentally screamed the wrong name last night. He stopped for a second, said "fuck it, you're too hot to care," and then continued fucking me.
Just got judged by the front desk clerk, 2 maids and a security guard at the Sheraton. I've decided to use this as a character building experience.
We're past the whole "Did she just try to finger my ass?" Stage. Now it's encouraged.
What part of "he tried to put his dick in my ear" did you not understand??
He sent me a pic stitch collage of all the tit pics I had sexted him this month. It was so sweet!
Quote from doctor, "that is a VERY angry vagina".
I'm fucked.
I passed out drunk in her bed. Her boyfriend showed up and told me to go to the other room or we were gonna have a threesome. I threw up off the side of her bed and left. I feel like that was an adequate response.
So the door man at the local dispensary started giving me motivational talks about my beard...
you face planting the wall was epic
did you at least save my tooth
She tried to fuck me right at the bar in front of everyone. She actually got my pants unzipped before I realized what was going on.
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
You ever fart so hard it made you cum a little? A "friend of mine" wanted to know.
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