The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
I think, one-on-one, Paul Rudd could be very threatening in like a REALLY good way.
battery dying...get laid and text me after...or during...its whatever.
i think i'd rather have a trophy of a like jizz stained curtain or something
Full contact beer pong was definitely not my best idea.
I'm running on two hours of sleep, a shot of vodka, and half of a granola bar. I can't be held responsible for what I do.
Just got home. Taking a quick shower. I smell like sex and chorizo. Dont ask.
I just sent a bad sext to my sister. There's not even a way to damage control this, is there?
Okay so.. What's with me and guys who have more than 2 nipples
he only noticed i dyed my hair purple like halfway through sex and he looked really shocked and he just said "You look like Barney." as he came.
How the fuck did we end up at a strip club last night.. We started the night playing bingo at a church
Why can't he just dump me? This is like a baby seal clubbing the hunter
If we both don't have awesome filthy sexual experiences to share in the morning...we are no longer best friends.
you need to drop off my dinner before you go see him because i'm not gonna wait until you're finished fucking him to get my damn chinese food
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
Randomize
