he yelled "RELEASE THE KRAKEN" then hit me with his dick
i think i recognize dicks better than faces
You kept referring to your penis as "this guy."
My mom said "I don't want to fund your drug problem" so she gave me a gift card to the book store. I now have a 420 page book on growing weed.
Guys, Black Friday does not exist in the world of dealing. Stop texting me asking what my deals are.
Fuck away man. Like 3% of these new people will be back next week. This is the best week of the year to slam bitches at the gym.
i was enjoying my post acid trip trance a little too much. i found $50 on the sidewalk but didnt pick it up. just stared at the bill cuz it looked cool.
someone picked it up and i stared at the ground where it was for probably another minute or 2
I climbed out of the shower to him sitting on the floor trimming his pubes with nail clippers, we both just started laughing at how drunk we were
Not many people can say they've been photo bombed by an antelope. I sure did.
i'll talk to you in three hours when you've stopped foaming at the mouth and your eyes have rolled back into place
I woke up to an email from expedia confirming my flight to hong kong
good news, i've got tacos. bad news, kevin's in the ER. more good news, the tacos were free.
Kid walks in and orders 24 Mcdoubles and 14 large fries, as he's handing me the money he tells me he lost at rock paper scissors so he had to do the munchie run.
she said a prayer for the pipe you broke. she did the sign of the cross and everything
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
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