i thought he was 22...he said he was 25..he was 19...im 26..it doesnt count if you dont know right?
STOP SENDING ME DANCING JESUS FORWARDS.
they made me velveta mac and cheese and fish. I wanna stay here the rest of my life
What kind of flower means "I want to have unprotected sex with you, preferably from behind?" because thats the message I'd really like to send on Valentines Day
I'm at the grocery store buying monistat and corn nuts. thank god for self check out.
Said he had been eating pineapple for a week before our 1st date. Not sure if thankful for his consideration or offended by his assumption.
You insisted that you sleep on the bear rug instead of the couch. You said it was lonely and you kept on petting its head.
He called the drink "The Annexation of Puerto Rico". He wouldn't tell us whats in it but said that we should all fear for our lives. Let's do this.
traded hat for shot of whiskey. lovah yo life. only ADVENTURE NOW. OH GOD IT WENT TO CAPS LOCK
Also I owe you 20 bucks, a clean towel and a glass of scotch. I'll even throw in a blow job
You're the reason why I want to be a better drunk
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
It was ok until his mom walked in and asked if he turned on the crock-pot...
fuck school, let's just become the worst strippers ever
Still drunk, heading to class.
It's 3 a.m. Dude
Doesn't mean I'm not at my desk. Ill wait.
Randomize
