She made the grapes disappear! ALL OF THEM!!!
I really need to find better places to throw up. I would like to be able to use the bathroom sink the next morning for brushing my teeth
We need to buy some popsicles so we can remind ourselves we're good at this.
More likely there's a very shell-shocked cat wandering around somewhere, covered in potato peelings
We had to coat check the pizza.
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
Someone just got kicked out of the mall for being dressed like a giant cat. I feel like this is in your future.
library dates and plan B? He is looking like a great catch.
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
I snuck out of his room and his roommate stopped me to tell me there was a condom stuck to my back
so, in conclusion, I think his gf found out about the booty pics
How exactly does a handjob become fancy?
Blueberry lube, and champagne.
Dicks are not precious.
I'm pretty sure the rest of my evening will consist of masturbating, drinking tequila and watching children's movies.
im shaving my vagina and listening to frank sinatra, im coming over after
Randomize
