We hung out in the bathroom the whole time and talked about sex and watched some girl pee. If you don't believe I was there, check the bathtub for bread crust.
He tried peeing out of the sunroof.
Sorry for trying to force you and Robert to make out. I didn't realize how awkward it was until I woke up today.
He woke up in the ambulance thinking he was still in the club.
I'm sorry I tried putting my balls in your cup holder.
His IQ is so high, I swear I started ovulating when he told me the number.
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
I will suppress my appetite by doing shots then passing out
I'm eating tortillas right now. Like not cooked tortillas. Someone is playing the guitar. Man with bandana.
So, I had a dream last night that involved you as an actual cloaked Captain America and a lot of weird sex, and I didn't hate it.
You're never the same once you're dry humped on the frat house floor
Why does your life consist of lesbians, black guys and cats?
You have to just make a conscious effort not to make out with people when he's around if you want to keep him in your life?
She called to tell me she just hooked up with my crush...and that he talked about me...not sure if I should be pissed or excited?
Just an fyi, you also tried to wrangle a peacock last night.
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