she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
She is chewing on staples and spitting them at her cat, I think it's time to leave..
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
making a list of all the places we've peed. separate list of places we peed when we were stoned
Throwing up in his bed is not a step up in your relationship
Dude, I need a lifestyle change. I'm to old to be making out with chicks in foam parties, letting older chicks get all excited because I let them put their hands up my shirt, and running around doing scavenger hunts with 18 yr old chicks.
You're the only person I know who would be upset about making out with a girl you like. You're like a drunken Charlie Brown.
I just gate-crahed a party and met a state senator, so I had an interesting afternoon jog.
He started saying the pledge of allegiance so his boner would go down. Merica.
a large sweaty girl i dont know is sleeping in my bed. A scotish man and a small child looking dude are on the couches im on the floor sleeping and im ok with it
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
I told you that we shouldn't have sex. You said "its okay I already saw you pee" apparently that was convincing
It doesn't matter if it's only been 3 days since you last changed your sheets. If your fuck buddy comments on how your bed smells like sex, it's time to change them again.
Btw I puked in your glovebox
Randomize
