If we keep treating our bodies like amusement parks we have another 10 years left at best.
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
I had to have my mom pick me up from the party and the windows lock was on so when I went to projectile vomit out the window it wouldn't roll down and it splashed back at my face.
There is a bottle of ciroc waiting graciously on my breakfast table. It's almost a sign for me to live up to my Russian blood.
That guy is like a clown car of sexy. Just when I think I've seen it all, THERE'S MORE.
AND SOME IN THE TRUNK.
I'm not saying I would have to be high to sleep with him. I'm just saying it would probably help.
Kinda hard to look your partner in the face the day after a rousing game of How Many Ways Can I Capture Your Penis.
cmon you know I'm perfectly capable of something that ridiculous 100% sober
As I was blowing him, he proceeded to tell me that his friend who I blew years ago gave me a five star review on my BJ skills. And, he agrees.
Atta girl.
there's fucking coffee grinds packed all inside my pipe. what did i do
I just put my eye make up on in the bathroom of the bar.... I may be too comfortable here....
Randomize
