i woke up in his bed, he had my shirt on
and high school musical 3 was playing on his lap top
Have you ever slowed down next to the oldest people on the highway while getting road head just to see their extended reaction?
He kept saying the best defense against a lion is to punch it in the throat.
just upper decked a verizon store cause they don't cover against "getting phone crushed by a keg." had to pay 175 for a new one
Saw my boss's vagina at that party. Hung over at work has never been more acceptable
She is ok w me having sex for money. Just gotta find rich grandmas.
i only avoided him because he looked like he was about to have a heart attack and i didnt feel like doing cpr on my day off.
what type of emt are you
i’m not very adjusted to having free time. for example, I forgot how much fun it is to masturbate.
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
I am having telepathic thoughts with my cat. He loves me and wants me to blow his nose
If my emotions are below a 3 or above a 7, I'm crying
What a way to start the day. Staring at penis for 3 hours
It's pretty much my favorite thing ever
Omg. I meet up with you guys with bodily fluids on my chin ONE time and suddenly I'm a whore.
Don't do tequila. The Devil himself spits into shot glasses and we call it tequila. You will do bad things.
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
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