There is a stranger person in my roommates bed...
i think i would be perfectly content if, on my deathbed, i could look back on a life that didn't have any fisting in it
Yeah he is here but I can't let him know I am until he has like 30 min worth of drinks. so when he see me he isn't like "omg ew,NO!"
I have so much to learn from you, wise slut
God you better not be texting me after just having sex with someone from craigslist
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
You both must have been completely wasted because every once in a while we would hear you both stop and start singing to each other. At one point it was taylor swift.
JUST SAW MY DRUG DEALER SOBER AND GOING TO CLASS. This is weird, its almost like he's an actual student whio leaves his room...
This is absurd. I need a man. Or even a moderately-clean hobo will do at this point.
I have surprise drugs for everyone
you're asking me why i keep burn ointment in my purse.... do you really want to know the answer to that question?
Woke up at 10 with bourbon being shoved down my throat and him yelling, "shot train! Don't be a bitch"
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
I've done dumber things than this for flimsier reasons. Come with. If I pull it off I need a witness, and if I fail I need an escape plan.
I got a hand job after work. Remember those? From the 90s...
This is why I love being gay. I could never afford that much birth control.
Randomize
