she just put all the cheese in the refrig to sleep.. and yes we did finish you bottle.
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
I know this may seem inappropriate, but are you gonna bring any blow to the wedding?
he met me at the airport with a welcome home sign with a grilled cheese, PBR and a blow job on it. i missed america.
At 4am he sent "uree asss ize anmazin"
Thank you for holding my bra last night while i did a topless lap around the house
you're being stingy. if you didnt want people to have sex on your couch, you shouldve specifically said so.
We definitely need to avoid these "I'm gonna get stabbed if I stay here any longer" partys
i thought i should point out that whatever else you can say about me, i've still gotten high with a midget.
Why is there a condom in the dishwasher...
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
Had a guy spin me around at the bar, kiss me then say "oh shit you're not who I thought you were" and then walk away.
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
I think we have some hyper-understanding of each other when drunk, because looking back at our text convo from last night, they were literally just jumbled letters.
Go shave, and then go fuck the man
YOU ARE SO CRUDE, I LOVE YOU
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