last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
Scream out, "Tax-Free dick over here" in the bar. Ladies love tax free stuff
he thinks im joking when i say don't visit. i mean it's summer...he was the college fuck and now it's time for the summer fuck
I'm way too horny to be at work right now. I think it might be legally irresponsible to leave me alone with cucumbers.
i just remembered last night waiting for you to pick me up wearing my bra on my head to protect me from the rain
on a related note, did you know that the fire alarm in our apartment talks?
He makes this seasoned whore feel like a novice. I've met the one.
Just blew my age on the breathalyzer. I also have 8 stitches in my head. So worth a .22 though. All time record.
I'm just crazy horny about you
Why am I getting texts saying are you ready for this butthole? Help
There's just no proper way to thank a man for that many consecutive orgasims.
I mean you can one up her. Instead of ruining friendships you can ruin marriages.
I told him I was going outside to throw up and I ended up passing out in the front yard in my underwear for 45 minutes. When I walked back inside he said "where have u been?". My husband ladies and gentlemen
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
Never joke about your clitoris.
Randomize
