why do my parents always seem to be having way more sex than i do?
He wanted a quickie. I said, can I play doodle jump on my iPhone during? And that's exactly how it went.
theres so much semen in my vacuum cleaner...
He came in asked for the bathroom and came out 10 minutes later dripping wet took his redbull and left.
Um he just came into the kitchen naked to get her purse or something?
Just got offered to exchange moonshine for manscaping services by a gay guy. I'm gonna have the smoothest back in St. Louis county.
Does it count as working out if stops are taken every half hour to smoke a blunt?
An old white couple caught us smoking the foot long. THE LOOK ON THEIR FACES.
Why put me through the conflicting battle of being happy for your vagina but sad for my vagina for no reason ahole
My mom wants to name our new dog the same name as my fuck buddy. This will be weird
I'm eating chicken wings naked and hungover at 10am... Happy bday to me
I just got baptized.
Drunkenly skinny dipping in a indoor hotel pool is not okay and does not count as a baptism.
Dear Andy-the problem is not that I slept with your girlfriend, it's that you didn't know she's a lesbian.
No offense, but I don’t think I would want to see him in anything skimpier than a hazmat suit.
“On a break” is implied when it’s a Russian chick dressed as Black Widow wearing Minnie Mouse ears
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