dude, she has braces
i meant the dude w the ponytail.
i was less creeped out when i thought you were talking about the 14 y.o.
he just asked if i would like him to change his diet so his jizz tastes better. keeper? i think so.
Just made a drug deal by throwing my money to my dealers window and receiving weed the same way. We are the definition of typical lazy stoners.
Ya know, years from now when that kid is old enough, I'll get to regale him with the story of how I was his father's AND uncle's first gay experience.
Judging by the crutches in the living room I take it you two are fine and we aren't going out tonight?
I woke up and watched my kitten suck on his nipple. Way too hungover to intervene. He thought it was me, so he just giggled and mumbled "mmm girl."
Seriously? God I hope he wasn't lactating.
......... Poor kitty
I used his computer to order the pizza and the only thing he had in his search bar was 'text NASA'
Also txt me when you take your first dump of the year... I'd like to synchronize if that's at all possible.
sorry for laughing and taking pictures while you were having an asthma attack on st. patricks day
Next Halloween I want us to dress up as jockeys, get drunk, and ride a carousel all night until we throw up or declare a winner
He called my vagina "the man cave", and I found it charming
Did I wash my face last night at your house? Where did my eyebrows go??
Which sister was it? The one I accidentally hit when my shoe flew off or the one I ate candy off of when we were high?
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.
Randomize
