I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
I should have kept drinking, a coma can't be as bad as this hangover
So you used a whole package of smoked meat last night. Didn't eat it, just took it out and put it all over the fridge.
I swear to god if he wasnt on the fourth floor balcony and I wasn't to drunk to climb I would kill him
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
I vaguely remember making out with his tattoo (?) and giving him an awesome massage and then I passed out on his floor. Shrug
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
Only Tommy would bring a stripper pole to a bonfire
How could she say that about my foreskin when she hasn't even seen all the cool stuff I can do with it?
I just realized I haven't got laid since the last time the Browns won.
Get here now. I need a drinking buddy. I don't care if you're in a different timezone, it'll be five o clock here faster.
You tried to fight someone about spaghetti o’s?
That hungover.
so i'm with my friends driving on the highway and just saw a guy in the car next to us sucking on a dildo. can't make this shit up.
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
Grandma had me open the boxes that were delivered today. She got a sex swing, I've settled on "You go girl" as my official reaction.
Randomize
