Turns out I'm like the Wayne Gretzky of hiding cum. Who knew?
i'm wearing my white shorts to coax my period out of hiding.
i just feel like it would be irresponsible for you to not have sex with me again.
My vagina agrees.
the only way to explain how i feel is someone rolled me down a big fucking hill and then a dog came a took a huge ruthless shit in my mouth at the bottom
He waited until after foreplay to tell me that he didn't have a condom and "we" would just have to settle for a bj tonight...
You're gonna judge me.
Howd you sleep with him already
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
I think god invented us with two hands so we can grab an ass and spank it at the same time.
My dad just accidentally taught me how to make fake IDs. I love my life.
I'm not gay but if a lesbian wants to eat my box out I'm not gonna say no to someone who knows what they're doing.
Dude. I've been high for so many hours now that I'm just accepting this as my new reality.
in other news i got caramel vodka poured on me. upside, i smell amazing
IT TOOK ME LIKE AN HOUR TO DO THAT. DO YOU KNOW HOW HARD IT IS FOR ME TO CONCENTRATE ON ONE THING FOR AN ENTIRE HOUR?!
You tried to lick the lightbulb and fell off of the chair onto my wife and gave her a concussion. Did i mention you were naked?
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
Randomize
