So My parents cut me off after I started making blood marys with hienz ketchup
Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
guys are only as good as the porn they watch
85% positive I just found a hair of a certain variety wayyy in the back of my mouth between two teeth while flossing.
and hes going back to rehab like me, so we have common interests
She slapped his drink out of his hand to get him to leave the bar while he and I were having an intense debate about the lyrics to mmmbop
I am stoned and listening to the Olympics music I downloaded on Saturday. Best 6 dollars I have ever spent.
Hey, so, you were my "one phone call" last night... Thanks for not picking up. See, this is why I never call you.
Woke up, moved an empty handle of fireball to spit blood, then put the morning cigarette out in it.
I will rip it off your body in ways are socially offensive but you still kind of like.
Lesbians had sex in my bed last night. It's a thing of pride
Don't know how your birthday has been, but mine has involved Hershey's syrup and a blowie. It's safe to say you're playing catch up.
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
I must be pretty memorable. I was walking past this dude and he goes "There's the Scotch Girl." I have ZERO clue who he is, but I'm definitely the Scotch Girl.
Randomize
