So you maybe wanna hang out again? I could use the $5
Whatever I can do to help stimulate the economy
me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
Were you really trying to feed me potato chips while I was sitting on the toilet?
Just pissed in my own closet. Had no idea adult dinner parties could he so awesome.
Someone spilled vodka all over the elevator floor. Bring straws.
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
you are dancing on the line between undergrad and alcoholic.
i may have given a gay guy with a mohawk my number last night that said... "you are straight" omg so glad a whole year til my next birthday... also i hit myself in the face with a car door. nice.
I thought I was pretty much sober now but then I realized I've been eating scrambled eggs with my hands...
I think it's a scientific achievement that I can make jelly that is 95% vodka so suck it up.
I wish I could be happy with a nice Christian girl, but no, I need a hot mess who starts bar fights
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
the D I S R E S P E C T of sending someone nudes, them opening it, and not bothering to respond
I regret nothing
Not even Married Dan?
I regret one thing
Randomize