Sometimes I feel like I shouldn't drink when I come out of a black out half naked covered in puke. Then I realize thats why I drink.
Man, the last time I saw you you were giving me a thumbs up while being pulled out the bar by your belt from some girl.
I called her new haircut "lesbian progressive" and now she's upset
All I remember is you introducing yourself to the entire basketball team using the line "I'll show you a slam dunk."
It's like I'm in a vicious cycle of noncommittal penis.
I hear fucking Christmas music. I'm going to find fucking Santa and tell him to suck a dick and shut up for the next month
Ok so I didn't mean for his first impression of me to be lying face down on his roommates bedrooms floor throwing up my jäger but it happened. Atleast my ass looked good in those jeans. Think I still have a shot?
I just walked out of the side door of the bar to come in the front door so no one would know I've been here drinking before our work meeting.
I would have rather been getting my vagina slowly waxed all day then be here.
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
I'd just like to take a moment now to apologize sincerely for getting drunk and making an as of myself at your Christmas party next week. I'm especially sorry for sleeping with your baby sister.
Want to come over and dangle your tits on top of me like a skewer?
I am just High Enough to train A-Team of bodybuilding squirrels MMA techniques to tear you asunder. And it's not that I want to is just don't you make me do it!
Do you remember trying to eat the shower curtain last night...?
Drinking at 10 in the morning and swimming might not be the best idea I've ever had but it beats working
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