I just woke up and found a naked man on my floor. Looks like Dad had a wild night of strip poker
I just met the 30 percent of the population with an STD
The vomit I understand but how is there seaweed in my bed?
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
My absolute favorite part of last night was after I puked in the ally, we rounded the corner and you screamed, "she's ok!" and everyone cheered
can we get vodka so I have an excuse for being an emotional wreck
All of a sudden i love everyone. In all their flawed and failing beauty. This is pretty good weed.
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
And please let him know I don't normally go off on long rants about feminist theory. That was totally the vodka talking.
If he thinks that that is an acceptable way to ask me out he is out his goddamn ginger mindddddd.
He sent me a text from across the party that said "your sexy." I just couldn't.
My mom just busted me rolling a blunt on her bathroom counter. ...all she said was fuck it it's Christmas
I saw a picture of a baby and it reminded me to take my birth control. Priorities
Happy 4 year arrest-aversary! I promise no thanksgiving has been as eventful as that one haha..
I always know im high when I can't remember how to pee.
Randomize
