Whoa! I think of you when I eat cottage cheese.
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
girl has like over 50 stars tattooed on her front, side and back. feels like i just fucked the universe.
Her brother walked in on her giving me a bj and just laughed. I got a highfive before I left.
The stripper told me she had been working there for eight years, then got mad when I asked if she was trying to make it into mangment. Awkwardest lap dance
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
How do you set tits on fire ? I swear her tits were on fire.
Dude I swear I heard "geet out!!!" when I went down on her. I shouldve listened.
You gave the cab driver your pants as collateral while you ran in the house for money.
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
you stumbled up the stairs in your heels, pulled 23 one-dollar bills out of your bra and then went and puked in the toilet. didnt say a single thing to me the whole time
Your lack of enthusiasm for my exciting news of drunken debauchery with an otherwise occupied vagina of one of my greatest conquests yet disturbs me. I'm not happy with you
Can we talk about how i am holding a tupperware container of my own puke in the back of my grandparents car while my sister drives
Pretty much just farted directly in a baby's mouth on the subway
I may forget my underwear, but you can count on me for drugs and plan b
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