Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
Then we managed to set a grill and all 24lbs of meat on it on fire. I didn't help because I was filled with alcohol and extra flammable.
Awesome. My fame will spread to DC... As will the herpes.
I'm honestly too sad to drink and hang out with strippers. This breakup sucks.
My dad is drinking wine out of a measuring cup. This explains so much.
you say it like running around in your thong wasted is a bad thing
The bouncer yelled at him for poking at the guy selling roses, I think it's time to leave.
This guy just tried to hit on me on facebook. His most recent listed education is middle school. This is my life.
I just accidentally hit share on pornhub... Probably the scariest moment of my life
He kept stopping sex to whisper in my ear, and the only thing I could understand was "double stuffed oreos"
I remember having the weirdest thoughts and thinking our room was a compass and we were in the compass or something.
I felt that there wouldn't be enough planB and forgiveness to go around
Jacked up my neck and shoulder hanging on for dear life while I rode him like a boss. Plus my house smells like broccoli, bad! How's YOUR morning?
It was the hardest I ever came in my life and once I could see straight again I just looked at him and said "cool"
it wasn't a total waste of time; I mean how often do you get to play scotch pong?
.....fair enough
Randomize
