I just blew up the bathroom at work and now I feel like a new woman
I'm looking for sex. Do you know her?
our new exchange student wants to hear all about America's greatest politician, "Oprah." it's gonna be a long fucking day
i can't sleep with him. he has a scrapbook from the girl he lost his virginity to.
you spent the rest of the night making a recipe for mixed drink called "the new years bowel remover". it has 13 parts but judging from the bold all caps, the boiled avocado is the most important
I found her in the trunk, smoking a cigarette, saying every girl should know how to get out of their trunk
I got written up at work for smelling like sex and vodka. Still not sure how they put that into professional terms.
So please don't worry, but I need some help getting blood out of my drywall so I can get my security deposit back. I would not ask if the need was not great.
I shouldn't be drunk at 3 pm but alas, here we are...
That moment when I wear the same thing I did to a motel nooner to my family's Christmas party... Ho Hoety Ho bitches
But I did discover that he's totally okay with going down on me while I eat taco bell so that's a plus, right?
I'm a dude in a dress, who came to a party with Holly GoLightly, got hit on by Bambi's mom, and wants to do terrible things to Link. Halloween is weird
Can't find my wig, my underwear, or my dignity. Halloween 2016
We both shit in the same closet in Santa Fe. Nothing is sacred anymore.
Threw up on break at work. That brings our collective tally to 9 times. We can never drink like that on a monday again
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