if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
Bel-fucking-mar, this place has more popped collars than a Hollister catalog
You don't have to be emotionally available for a blow job.
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
how do i say "thank you for the blowjob, but never talk to me again" without crushing her?
no i brought the cat to the bar. I got a weird look when I walked in but now everyone loves her.
We broke the shower door. Completely off. His roommates were not happy but I sure was
It's home.......I'm going to the store in disguise to get skittles and cake frosting. Then I'll eat the frosting in a dark corner while I cry and wonder what I did to deserve this.
You ass. You're not the one who bought me flowers, so obviously you will not be the recipient of the blow job of gratitude.
dreams really do come true on the roof and drinking again
I was shitfaced. I filled my contact case WITH TANNING LOTION
who says I'm not relevant to the kids today? Just had snapchat sex, blows the roof off aim cyber sex
Our love of vodka is more proof than a maternity test
I need to leave my mind and my stupid vagina are having fight over who's right
You know that we wouldn’t even be talking about all this if you would have kept your candy consumption judgement comments to yourself.
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