Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
It's like alcoholism for beginners at my kitchen table.
Just stuffed an entire cupcake in my mouth after finishing third glass of wine. Valentines day is pretty much going how i expected it.
I'm pretty sure blacking out is a coping mechanism.
I'm not drunk enough to eat silly string
Finished my senior thesis. How am I celebrating you ask? By drinking gas station white zif out of an empty candle holder by myself. I fucking deserve to graduate.
Sincerely would love to tap that, on a mountain with the wind blowing on your pubes .
Why am I getting texts saying are you ready for this butthole? Help
I went to the bar without a bra on pretty sure you can go to Taco Bell drive thru with no pants
I just sneezed and margarita mix and ash came out of my nose. I love jersey
WHAT IS MY LIFE THAT THE ONLY PERSON INTERESTED IN FUCKING ME IS MY 6TH GRADE MATH TEACHER
I appreciate having someone to objectively critique my dick pics.
You did things that should be illegal to a Twinkie and asked strangers to drive you home.
I’m pregaming Christmas shopping with grandma. What’s up?
How was it?
i think i smell bacon but im to sore to walk downstairs. that kinda night
Randomize
