I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
and everytime i fart i feel like in your heart, you can hear it
I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
I found my old addy guy via fb who clearly understands the supply and demand curve of addy during finals so he's gonna hook me up.
I love watching others lives come down to our level.
Just had to explain to the nurse WHERE I have poison ivy. Great Day
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
She told me she was going to ride me so hard i would cum the ghosts of my ancestors...its gonna be a good time
I dont feel as bad coming home this baked because I gave my 14 year old sister a no drugs talk last night.
Peed in a sink tonight. That drunk. I'm not proud of myself for what I did. But to carry it out with such class. I should be awarded
Such a good question, let's ask the alcohol gods for the answer.
I just found a piece of squished oatmeal cream pie in my armpit. So very sad.
I hear jingle bells and I can't tell if it's bc I'm feeling festive or just REALLY high
Nothing is more confusing than dreaming about being chased by jets, then waking up with an erection.
Randomize
