Ppl just aren't as funny as we are
why did u let me go home with him last night?
u were determined it was a good idea
my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
You just took 4 shots. 2 of them were maple syrup.
Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
she used her one phone call to ask me about my day
I'll pull you in a wagon. You'll have a sash and a crown on and we'll sing "All the Single Ladies"
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
DO IT, or I'll send you pictures of my hickey to remind you of your loneliness
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
Children cease to be precious when they crap their shorts in the pool I exercise at.
Watching Rudolph while stoned is practically a religious experience.
I banged a guy named Robbie last night and in the middle of sex he begged me to scream santos. I'm pretty sure I just screwed a dude with multiple personalities.
Only you would offer whiskey to a man in liver failure.
My boyfriend's mom is the manager of Wendy's. The same one I took a pregnancy test in.
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