Sorry for scaring your son with my drunken animal impressions
well when mom kept referring to my "black hole of a vagina" and how i devoured all the nuts at the party like i was a pro, i figured my stay was up.
She climbed through the window and into my bed. Not even sure who she is. Was thinking she might be a friend of yours?
I was passed out in a dog food bowl tor two hours. Just tapped my dinner beer. I love homecoming.
i think maybe i'll just not watch it. i'd rather not think of you as a magical transforming set of dick holes.
U know that drunk state, where at 930 the next morning your sitting in a bath in ur bathing suit trying to sober up...yeah. That's where i am..
I choose McDonald's breakfast at 1:28am over sex anytime
I REMEMBER NUGGETS BEING THERE BUT WE WERE AT A TACO BELL
Can't find my wig, my underwear, or my dignity. Halloween 2016
I'm at that stage of drunk where just imagining having sex makes me motion sick.
My mom found your leather pants in our guest room. She doesn't want to know why they are there, she just wants to know if you want them washed.
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
He showed up at my house with roses and a bottle of vodka... to watch a movie. obvi i took the vodka and didn't sleep with him
I passed out in my bed, but woke up on the dog bed,with no pants, snuggling with toilet paper and a bottle of softsoap. Ive hit a new low.
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
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