I hate seeing commercials about babies when i'm high
Yeah, I don't like babies at all
Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
he was lying next to me and i saw him text "score" to someone.
come home now. i got a twizzler tangled in my hair again
apparently i found nail polish and started playing a game i made up called "paint a nail, do a shot"
Went to my car this morning. Found a waffle from Waffle House in the front seat. No idea how it got there. So hung over I ate it.
I'm basically just sitting in the porta poTty finishing my bottle of champagne bc I am too lazy to carry it back to the tailgate
His name sounds so important....sounds like the name of my future baby daddy to me.
Remember that time we turned a can of Axe body spray into a flame thrower?
I stopped hooking up with him and ran to the bathroom to throw up. He saw me throwing up and it made him throw up
"I wonder if vinegar is some sort of magical hangover cure" "...no I was definitely still drunk and drinking vinegar because I was thirsty"
My poor liver. I drank enough on NYE to sustain an alcohol addiction for the entirety of 2015.
What can I say I sleep with 40 year old Cougars because my mother gave me away at birth and apparently that's why says my therapist
Every Easter every single one the baby Jesus butt plug comes up
He knocked me over backwards in my chair. I had a beer in each hand. Didn't spill a drop.
Randomize
