Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
Its become more of a routine.. Whenever I get done eating and have left overs I just take it over to his house and throw it all over the walls and windows. Pay backs a bitch ehhhh
please come home... she's showing me videos of spanish parrots and is telling me about her dead cousin...
Won't anyone wonder why I'm mute, bald, and wearing an eye patch?
See, it wasn't that I broke my nose having sex. Its that I forgot about the bedposts...
Everyone was hooking up and I was just by myself rolling around in the grass at one point ... Which I am allergic to.
If I was 5 years younger and single...
She STILL wouldn't fuck you.
There were grown college boys running around north campus in capes with nerf guns. If security were to be called I think they would just give them more beer.
Ok get your liver ready for the weekend. Harry Potter Drinking Game Marathon is a go. BYO liquor of choice, rule cards at the door. I wanna see some Hagrid level drinking out of you, Muggle.
You kept whispering to me that the guy making your burrito was an angel.
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
Not sure, she said after cussing out the dentist they called security. Make that the first person I know 86'ed by a dentist.
You pee in parking lots....i drive home naked.....thats the american dream i was promised
I did not get pleasing results from googling “Bob Ross goat”
I did not marry a roomba.
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