You kept calling me your small dog last night.
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
His morals are debatable, but his heart or perhaps his penis is in the right place.
His penis is crooked. Right place? Maybe he starts there, but then he slants.
I fucking give up. OKC is where small penises go to disappoint me.
As part of the off-hours team building exercises, I had my new coworkers figure out to push me back to the hotel from the nearby bars in a shopping cart every night for a week.
Just got shoved by an Elvis impersonator. Evidently it isn't cool to ask how much of a disappointment they are in the eyes of their parents.
Never let him bartend when he's tripping. He sprinkled a ton of mexican shredded cheese over a jack and coke and called in a Monterey Jack Daniels.
wtf... you literally introduced yourself as "that friend who's going to fuck all your other friends."
I hope you know that means regardless of their gender.
You were mean to me and you broke my heart and hurt my feelings. You dont get to talk to me about Peter Dinklage
I've started budgeting for next year. It looks like I'll be crying tears of dollar bills and handing them over to pay back my unholy college debt.
It's a good thing he's hot, because it seemed like he was trying to do CPR on my private parts
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
Of all of my friend's husbands, I like when yours hits on me best
Awe that means so much to us
I hate who I am becoming
I think of it as growth but I also hate who I am becoming as well
Whoever thought of breakup sex is my new best friend
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