Woke up wearing just a scarf, the holidays are definetly here
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
So how does it feel getting boo'd by the entire 5 guys restaurant
Sweet. Warning: i have been drinking at work since 4. Plan accordingly.
We have started to decorate penises.
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
Did you blackout Saturday before or after we had sex in a random snow bank?
I gave him a bunch of ideas to use to spice up their sex life. Say what you will, I am the best 'other' woman ever!
Just realized I used a picture of my little sister to holler at a guy, only 3 months old and she's already my wingman.
We got hammered last night and I woke up this morning with texts from 'iron maiden chick.' wtf?
Because bro, I don't want your dick being touched mid conversation.
When I woke up this morning I swear my mouth tasted like dick and rolaids.
Never let the horse trainer ride you, always ride the horse trainer. I have huge bruises on my thighs from his hip bones. That's how hard he rode me
On cleanup... i've counted 94 solo cups so far.. oh, and i found a miniature top hat in the microwave
Randomize
