Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
He bought me a oreo ice cream cake with "thanks for not calling the cops!" written in icing. If that doesn't sum up winter break, I don't know what does.
He made me sneak beer in the diaper bag... guess who is winning 2012 parents of the year
So I craigslisted sugar daddies and I'm pretty sure I found us one if you can pretend to be asian.
I just remember going to take a piss and looking down on the floor and thinking "that looks comfortable" and then I was out.
My father is flirting with a transexual server at hamburger mary's. We can never tell him.
We both got free alcohol and got laid by foreign men last night.
I'm not going out again for the rest of my life. I can't top this.
Drunk you decided to patrol campus as the Arrow and tell random bystanders "YOU HAVE FAILED THIS CAMPUS." Campus P.D. did not join your crusade.
That explains the nerd bow & arrow...
COME TO THE TOP OF THE MOUNTAIN AND I WILL GIVE YOU MY SAGE ADVICE.
she chased shots of jack with a fucking steak. i'm in love.
he said "i'm the cat whisperer, watch". he took a hit from the pipe, grabbed the cat and blew the smoke in its ear. he grinned and the cat started purring. it was magnificent
there are LEGIT cum stains on my ceilling. ON THE CEILLING!! you tell me how the relationship was.
Don't come in. My door to my bathroom won't close because of the table and I'm pooping
Classy
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