i hate sounding clingy, but i just wanted to verify i wasn't an asshole in your mind
the only difference between me and a prostitute was that i complained a lot more.
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
oh ps. last night you kept telling me to calm down because everything was fine cause you were getting "arab money"...
You were peeing on yourself thinking it was the sprinkler in your yard
Was it high me or sober me who put those Jolly Rancher sticks in the freezer? I'd be soooo impressed if it was high me.
Uhh... I think I meant "Be proud, I'm taking shots before my public speaking test." "Coffee and vodka is not good" and "Also, I'm giving blood drunk."
i formally give you permission to eat me when i pass out
I am the girl who goes to bed with her make-up on so that she doesn't have to fully redo it in the morning. I am obviously not ready to be a mother.
How does that even work?
I really don’t want to have kids.
I thought we agreed we were done with dirty talk for the day
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
also, when i showed up he started talking to me and eventually asked me if the girls treated me well. i went on to talk about my sex life. he was talking about his secretaries.
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
I have a bag of frozen peas on my vagina. If you want to talk about real problems.
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
Randomize
