I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
I just fell off my chair and knocked over the table. People are staring. That hungover.
pre-gaming in the library. just gonna keep going until i'm too drunk to keep working and then i'll be there.
Why do they give me cups on $8 pitcher night? I HAVE A PITCHER.
I am definitely the only sober one on this train. And the only one not wearing a business suit. Wow, Monday Korea.
I'm cuddling with a baby pig and drinking champagne right now.
This hurricane was the perfect excuse to buy 2 pounds of animal crackers and a case of beer. It's on Sandy.
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
My philosophy professor just told the class that he is suspicious of dolphins. The stoner in front of me totally gets it. I need to start getting high for this class.
Say what you want about my van, but I've got more action there than in my apartment. A body pillow and a joint still go a long way!
Apparently mid making out I got up and said "I need to figure out my life" went in the bathroom and threw up for two hours.
It was the needle in the haystack of teary, unpleasant handjobs.
Vodka Red Bull is like your spinach if you were Popeye
Seriously where are the good guys?
The friend zone.
thought i saw a dude in a kilt yesterday, but then i realized he was doing a walk of shame. happy st. paddy's day.
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