FYI..good luck when you get back from work.. mom and dad know about the boy you brought home last night
haha good one..how did you even know?
we all know. he obviously didn't leave when you might have told him to.. he came down when we were eating because he coud smell mom's cooking. the dude ate with us and offered to say grace. so yeah, good luck.
Thats the last time I go out drinking with my Irish friends. Two shots of flaming sambucca = bar on fire. I was only trying to high five the barman.
i stole $50 bucks from my girlfriends purse to pay for my other girls abortion pill...shes gonna be pissed
We went to the police station completely hammered looking for you. Don't tell me I'm not a good friend.
I am drinking at a movie theater seeing a children's movie, 2nd time this week
She better not be too drunk to operate a blowtorch
Well it's 2pm. Time for another game of "Who, What, Where". The game where you try to guess who this girl is, what happened last night, and where'd your shit go. I'm going for 1/3 today.
That's better than I've done so far.
Can I come by? I want you to meet my squirrel
Yeah then you killed that bottle of Bacardi in under 20 minutes. So much for being an organ donor.
I know this sounds fake but she's deep frying a bar of soap right now
Come fucking get her
just so you know. the medical term for period cramps is mettelschmerz.
glad to know something that causes such misery in my life has such a laughable name.
....I just did my boss
I love you. And I will hold your hand as we skip on the road to hell.
Actually new year, new me. I haven’t had sex yet so technically I’ve been a virgin all year.
I'm pretty sure he sprained my clit...
So what we learned was that it doesn't matter how skinny the stripper is, if she sits on your knee with a torn acl for two hours it's going to swell up
Randomize
