You know your in college when you decide house chores with games of beer pong...
Facebook stalking a girl from Germany is harder then you think.you have to copy and paste all this shit into freetranslations.com then try and piece together an awkward sentence. If only I could put this energy into something productive.
My dad just told the waiter to keep the pitchers coming until someone passes out.
After throwing up in a tequila bottle on my nightstand (still not sure how she did that) she asked if she could slip into something more comfortable.
there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
There are regrets in my world today- mostly jager at that fucking altitude
All I remember is mattress sliding down the stairs while giving him a blow-job. Sorry you had to witness the incident.
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
I greatly enjoy being related to her. Even if is it only by a penis.
Bringing families together since 1987
...and as she's going down on me I look at the speedo and I'm doing 15 under, with 6 cars tailgating me, and I know her parents saw her head pop up because they were the car right behind us.
Hey guys so who is Justin McGoo and why did I text him "fuck yooooouuu juuuustiiin mcgooo" at 12:06am on Thursday night?
It just makes sense. It's like I end a relationship, and wash myself of sin... with tequila.
So it turns out strippers do encores if enough people yell. Encore song: Self Esteem.
I had sex while watching Lord of the Rings last night. I think I just reached a new level of nerd.
First aid class means get dry humped by moderately attractive college students during heimlich maneuver training.
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