I will fuck a handful of worms if you hold them
I love how you are more concerned with what i call my penis than the fact i wanna bone some high school chicks
Nothing like a $37 iTunes bill. Jesus Christ do you know how many $2 beer/shot specials that is??? The answer is 16. 16 beer/shot specials.
I am seriously considering thanking Macallan 18 in my thesis acknowledgments.
I have pictures of you scratching against the sliding glass door on your knees screaming how you felt like a lamb.
You will not judge me for my made-up holiday of wine appreciation day
OK WHO CHANGED MY RING TONE TO LADY AND THE TRAMP AND CHANGED EVERY CONTACT IN MY PHONE TO 'SOME GUY I FUCKED'?
She asked me to go inside, make myself a drink and slip into something a little more naked.
Matt. This is the manager of qdoba. Pick up the phone. Your friend needs you.
I had a dream last night that I met Diplo. Now I'm just sad
I think the highlight of my night is when I was eating a mayonnaise sandwich. drunk me was on point.
Oh goddamn. That a super downer Tuesday reality right there. Just hit me with the cold, hard, nasty facts.
*tries to be fun and flirty* *literally gets peed on*
I'm high on the exercise bike at the gym. I feel like Lance Armstrong
you were so drunk that when the mouse on your laptop didnt work anymore you decided to just take it into the bathroom and pee on it while laughing like a mad scientist.
Randomize
