I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
i just saw someone i know on True Life. i need new friends.
I just smoked pot in front of my old Elementary School. It's like my Childhood and Adulthood are coming together in this awesome thing.
Would the plural word for douche be deese? "Look at these deese bags"?
Are you high?
I haven't seen him since I gave him a hand job in the hospital. I like to think I contributed to his speedy recovery.
Trying to figure out which chair my head was under last night
Tom is laying in a bathtub filled with ice pretending to be a polar bear.
Also my vagina isn't a crater of death where nothing comes out
This lady gave me four cups to go along with my gallon of daiquiri. Silly girl, all I need is a straw.
She's licking the whiskey out of the carpet. I think we may be soulmates.
He sent me a dick pic, and it had smeared lipstick on it. So I sent him the pic of my tit with the hickey ring your brother gave me.
I just used an Amazon gift card from a student to order a new vibrator....teacher of the year
Bill says he deeply regrets the incident with the soda bottle
you're telling me you don't want to have sex 30,000 feet above the earth?
I just found my phone after looking for it since yesterday afternoon it was in the fridge.
Randomize
