oh my god im such an asshole. i just asked the guitarist of bad religion if he was a scalper.
but the lizard people decide everything anyway
Smoked a bowl on a rollercoaster. Literally ON. Beat that.
I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
had to ask my 13 year old sister if she knew any dealers... she did. it's good to be home.
we were boning in the bathroom when her boyfriend came upstairs. I wish i could remember what happened next more clearly, because it had to have been hilarious
I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time.
I don't think he realizes it but he was stroking the faucet while he was talking to me.
You have like just as much sex as me and I have a brand new bf. That does not add up. That is not right.
Guess what I'm doing tonight? Tacos and strip chess.
so my pro life roomate found a used condom wrapped up in her sheets with your panties. never letting you have sex in her bed again
would it be uncouth to smoke a joint during office hours
This is why you're my favorite TA
Forever getting my life back together in gas station bathrooms.
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
I didn't mean that as an expression. I'm literally asking if you want to watch Netflix and do nothing.
Randomize
