Did you just throw up mid-sentence?
Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
Waitress cut us off at Chili's bar. New low
I dinstinctly remember making out to "I believe I can fly" and waving my arms like a bird to the beat.
How can it be called memorial day weekend....I don't even remember this weekend
He gets a blow job and all I get is a huge scar on my arm ... how is this fair?
my mom just left...time to break out that water bottle of wine that I sewed into my teddy bear
I've been smoking weed using candles all week and I just found a lighter. This may truly be the happiest moment of my life. It's embarrassing how excited I got
I'm eating year old chocolate from the trash can. It was in a ziploc bag but still, this is a new low. Help me.
They already have a joint checking account. She's got his balls in her purse! What's next, a shared Facebook account?
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
Does it look too obvious if I buy wine and candles!?! In my defense there is a gigantic snow storm coming.
i think i left you like a 5 minute message about the mcchicken burger i was eating. I think I called wanting sex but the mcchicken burger was a lot more seducing.
He just blew a .079. Jesus loves him THAT much.
last night you made out with a 19 year old on a bar and i woke up with a swede in my bed. lets just say that never happened.
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