I like complaining with weaving words and complex sentences. It makes me seem more sophisticated and less bitchy.
Her best guy friend really had a thing for her all along.... Now we're back together and he's gone Dawson's Creek with his away messages.
I'm eating lunch next to a table of beautiful culturally-diverse women chattering away happily. It's like sitting next to a Yaz commercial.
my cabbie only has one arm...this can't be safe
Its weird to pet your cat with a boner
What the fuck?
we ended up on her 9 year old brothers bed and he saw the whole thing.... now he will know how to use his equipment
Even my vagina gasped.
Someone jacked my earrings off me or I threw em in the toilet again
I hate when that happens
I tried to tell her I've only slept with 3 other people...she then named off 5 of her sorority sisters I fucked and asked me if she should continue
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
Apparently when your theatre teacher asks who the best actor of our time is, Nicolas Cage is not the right answer.
You should have heard my farts after he left. I swear one of them was a demonic voice saying, "It's coming for you, Nicole. It's coming,".
How bad would it be to ask my maintenance man for new blinds because the dude puked on those too?
he went down on me to a drake song and now i think i need a penicillin shot
Come get me...at gazebo by side entrance....im passed out in a bush...this is a Bar A bouncer texting for your buddy
Randomize
