White wifebeaters are like orgies with fat people. Enjoyable in private, i'm sure, but in public: no thanksss.
one word: firstdatebathroomanal
I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
i now officially have to be stoned in order to look like my passport when i go to a different country
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
I'm gonna do some tripping... In the direction of balls
I'm petting the cat while shitting. This is all I ever wanted
Shirtless guy staggering down the sidewalk, puking into a Prada shopping bag. Ahhh, the walk of shame in Boystown.
WHAT KIND OF SELF RESPECTING 28 YEAR OLD WOMAN WAKES UP IN A FRAT HOUSE?!?'
The cougar kind?
Me sprinting out of your house without my bra or shoes is our entire relationship defined in a single moment.
mcfuck me up
MCFUCK ME UP INSIDE
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
I'm pretty sure I naked in my first year of college more than I was as a baby.
Randomize