sometimes i wonder what i would do without sheltered catholic girls w/ overprotective parents
never have sex?
So, it's like build-a-bear for your vag?
At least with the last gf I made it clear that I wanted to breakup when I pissed on her floor @ 3am as her roommate watched in contempt
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
Wait, we're on the hunt for addys and explosives. They're both in this house somewhere.
He practically bottle-fed me Jameson, like I was a baby chimpanzee on those nature specials.
I am so 35 right now. Listening to REM, drinking red wine, and crying over an article about ecstasy in oprah magazine.
MISSING: One left eyebrow. Reward if returned.
His beard is glorious and he smells like barbecue. Introduce me to him.
You're making her cookies in enchange for knitting lessons. You will die a virgin.
You forget how awesome toilet paper is until you have to wipe your ass with a piece of notebook paper...
Low key that was incredibly dangerous to let me wield a sword at this point in the night
Somehow my family started talking about sex toys at breakfast.
next time you go get food at three am and leave a rando here can you warn me??? Also i tazed him. but it was just my little one so i think he'll be fine. bring me some fries.
Listen, you eat the donut. I eat you out. Everybody wins.
Randomize
