You tied the party balloons to your nipple ring so that everyone would know you partied.
The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
my mom just used "raw dog" in a sentence correctly, time to move out.
You know just sitting here carrying on a conversation with a 5 yr old about why there is puke at the landing of the staircase
I just saw a wasted dude crawl out of the road at 2 in the afternoon. Big question- still drunk from the weekend or hitting the soju already?
I gave up on alcohol forever for like 2 hours, that's got to be a new record
Sorry, I was unaware dragging you upstairs for sex was such an awful thing.
Some guy just hit on me and then said, well you look too young to ride the emotional roller coaster and guestured to his dick.
I was chasing pulls of fireball with bites of a bagel and yelling at people to take tequila shots with me. I shouldn't be allowed to go out alone.
If you're funny as hell and have a mustache, odds are I'm probably gonna fuck you
just bought myself a "your about to get violated in every way so you deserve this chipotle" steak bowl.
So woke up naked and found my clothes from last night in my kitchen with a half eaten quesadilla
I'm giving drunk me full control of my body for the next few days. Please don't let me die.
Sorry for peeing on your books last night. I wouldn't leave them next to the window anymore.
We're like a married couple, but we only have sex on college holidays and other people's birthdays.
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