Sometimes I feel like I shouldn't drink when I come out of a black out half naked covered in puke. Then I realize thats why I drink.
I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
yea, the bartender wouldn't serve you because you kept asking for "a slice of beer"
he said i give him, and i quote, "emotional blue balls"
he definitely had sex before you were fully potty trained.
Like it was the Mama Mia of shit shows. That bad.
his brother walked in while we were fucking on the couch, told me i had "lovely jugs" and offered to make both of us a drink
In that state of mind I managed to bounce back from getting hit by a golf cart and convince an investigations officer that I was okay to go into the game.
I should have listened to my dad and mean girls... If you have sex you'll get pregnant and die.
HahahahahaHAHAHAHAHAHAHA MY LIFE IS A CAUTIONARY TALE
...take a good look at your butthole.... then try matching it to any paint color on the Benjamin Moore color wheel....not gonna happen...
I think you're literally the first guy to ever pick up a chick from pinterest.
I went in for a high five.. He went in for a kiss.. Today is a good day
And a hot pocket after we fucked. Heaven.
You know you're more responsible when you turn down your bed and make a clear path to it before you go out..
Randomize
