You're going to have to start masturbating with your left hand. Or with someone's vagina
Mr. Last Night just informed me I told him to be very quiet when he left this morning and high-fived him as a goodnight kiss. Drunk me is slutty and manly.
just printed 333 ways to get kicked out of wal-mart. hello thursday night.
i wanna anger bang this girl behind me at work. she never shuts up with her annoying voice. but her boobs are phenom.
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
Then we all started singing, "Our house, in the middle of the street. Our house, fucks a lot of freshman meat". It was magical.
she laid there and continued moaning loudly for like 10 minutes after we were done, just so that her mom would be jealous
Everyone heard you having sex but I just told them you were having a nightmare.
I immediately retract my statement involving hylecopters being allowed to blow up sharks out of the water.... The idea if it is super incredible but ultimately it would be cruel and unessesary
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
Can we do lunch at 3? I have a blowjob scheduled for 2.
You schedule blowjobs?
We were covered in sweat and glitter, making out onstage, in front of everyone. I think it was a good night.
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
A guy at my table is reading a magazine called "Cheese Connoisseur"
Yes be both agreed it was the worst sex in the history of fornication, so I asked him to sign the condom wrapper so I could frame it as a reminder to NEVER sleep with him again
Randomize
