Old men and throwing up are my life now.
So I got hit on by a gay guy. It might have something to do with the fact that I licked his nose.
And why did you do that?
Tequila
U just looked at me and said "wake me up when I'm done eating"
Clearly I made an impression.
Or at least your vagina did.
He's so gross, but the preschooler inside me is screaming that this is her life dream and I have to be with him or she'll never forgive me.
He tried to finger me at Disneyland! He tried to taint the happiest place on earth!
We fucked so hard that when I orgasmed I tore his towel rack off the wall. He was more impressed than mad.
He had a step stool to get in to his bed!
I don't think the TSA would be too happy. Who knows if three ounces of lube will be enough for us?
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
I just wanna get drunk in a castle. Is that so much to ask?
You know you have hit the best years of your life when you enlist the 5 year old to be ball boy during beer pong and pay him with candy you stole from Walgreens
I keep getting congratulated for drinking 2 six packs of mikes hard and winning the Olympic marathon and I don't remember this shit and now my throat is on fire
I balled in the shower for 20 minutes, rolled up to the meeting late looking like a gremlin, and my one night stand was standing there in a suit
It's all fun and games until your mom recognizes your bootycall from 2018 as her attorney
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