I am going to invent a chocolate mix for sperm.
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
I wish I could tell you that the worst thing that happened last night was how he got thrown out of a stripclub for vomitting on the girl giving him a private lapdance. I wish I could tell you that and not be lying.
shes perfect for him. shes never seen a penis so she has nothing to compare his to.
She said "don't make this weird" and then proceeded to sniff me.
I think the multiple Sunday morning sirens outside my window are a plot by the cops to get back at me for the shit we pulled last night. Or I should move to a better area.
Things are burning & the world smells of peanut butter. It's beautiful.
All that fucking tequilla made my head feel like it's inside of a body builder's asshole. He's doing squats.
I feel like drug tests are a little less "random" when you are employed by your father.
I'm not sure we can use safewords tho. She smokes so much she had to keep asking what the safewords was. Bondage and bongs don't mix
I felt like... 50% confused and 50% like a slow roasted flip flop.
I just realized now that you're pregnant we can't use alcohol as currency
I'm deleting Tinder. I got there he rubbed my back and then proceeded to jerk off on me.
Today, I lack passion for anything but Taco Tuesday.
Now swiping left on 23-year-olds with abs. Is this adulting?
Randomize
