Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
There's 12 honey baked hams in my fridge. I vaguely recalled you organizing a "Midnight Ham Run."
I still think it's messed up that you're naming your kids after all the guys you slept with in college
its time for step 4 of getting over him: post his number on the transvestite page on craigs list asking for pics
I dont care if he cant spell. Illiterate people need blowjobs too
I was basically shocked at how calmly you accepted my violently shoving a french fry in your mouth.
You have a roommate and cry when you see my dick
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
I'm currently sitting at your kitchen table eating chicken nuggets that I dug out of the trash and thinking about how much I need to get laid.
And now I'm taking a break sitting on the bathroom floor thanking god that people who eat at subway are either too classy to piss on the floor, or are still relatively sober enough to not piss on the floor before 5pm.
Are you vicariously golddigging through me?!
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
For the record, if you sneeze while you have a dildo in your vagina and you dont have a good grip on it, that thing can get some distance.
With each thrust he'd whisper "like a ninja." Should I be flattered or appalled?
because nothing says “let’s fucking rage” like getting a compensation letter and some company stock
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